Archive for December, 2012
The hour is late and my eyes are burning with lack of sleep.
Christmas is here.
Mr. Gray-glo is not ready emotionally for its arrival.
The house is cleaned and decorated. A beautiful tree stands tall in the living room decorated with over 30 years of memories. Gifts are now arranged beneath and about it wrapped in multiple patterned papers.
The nativity now has baby Jesus placed in his manger.
And I realize that within my own manger I have not set a place for him.
Each year we do similar things getting ready for today, for Christmas Day.
I have come to accept that when it comes to the deeper spiritual relationship, deeper meaning of Christmas Day, deeper connection to it as the celebration of the birth of The Christ…I am outside looking in and on without the awe and more importantly the faith.
There is a tension here this year that I feel. Some I have created and some I have responded to, and the rest just seems to find me and us.
And yet, no matter what lack of spirit and lack of faith I have, Christmas Day is here.
Some years you must just go through the motions and maybe be rewarded by a blessing of some spirit, some faith, some measure of meaning.
This is one such year.
So, to each of you, my hope for you is that you need not be outside looking into a manger but are indeed present with the manger inside you.
But for you who are like me this year and from year to year: fear not missing out, go out and at least window shop the nativity like many citizens did when first hearing of the birth but not knowing why or believing why this birth was anything different.
We need not be visited by Dicksonian spirits to keep Christmas in our hearts. But maybe a little whisper in the ear of encouragement will suffice.
That’s my own name for what happened and is still happening with Mr. Gray-glo and his blog or more accurately lack of blog.
My one reader has noticed and mentioned a lack of posting in his Christmas email greeting.
And as I sat here facing this screen and hands at the ready poised over the keys…nothing happened. Nothing physically did. No typing.
My mind was flooded with thoughts and ideas and the emotions that follow. Inside was turmoil that maybe a more seasoned and talented writer could have handled and rode instead of letting the emotions ride him.
So the fingers didn’t tap and the screen stayed blank. Mr. Gray-glo logged off the site and logged off…
I did respond to email debates on politics. But it was specific to the question or challenge posed and these mini-email debates may have been fodder for a post if they too did not get tangled inside with all the others screaming for attention and posts.
My mom’s health and triple by-pass was powerful but was trumped by the health of our republic and body politic.
Both important and both lost out as I fought how to not ignore one at the expense of the other.
And the inter-personal and relationship with those you love and those who love you and the problems that come when they are under stresses. Those weigh heavy on both mind and heart.
Mr. Gray-glo can mess up his own life on his own just as well as he can create his own good fortune. The intricate connections with friends and family and love and something akin to love’s absence makes messing and good fortune both in the mix inside my brain; confusion and clarity merge…
And the screen stays blank as the keyboard fall quiet from lack of finger taps.
Like those people who fall behind with their bill payments and then become frozen in inaction as they fall further and further behind, I felt the pressure of falling behind in my writing and posting.
I would look back and see the last post from August 11 grow more distant in my mind’s rear-view mirror.
The moment of clarity came when the bill for renewing my site came.
Why am I paying for this site where no one writes and not many even read?
But I did renew.
So, now the empty screen awaits another year.
Stage Fright lurks ever so close and whispers all my failings to me.
The problems still exist: politics, elections, mom’s health, my relationship with friends and love.
The problem of not sorting it out and making myself type is still there, too.
Stage Fright you are a formidable foe.
But I have beat you before and will again.
This post is testament to it.